COMING & GOING

This is a journal entry that I wrote before I took the picture at the train station. I was feeling confused about work ( see my last post) , confused about my friends, and uneasy about what dropping this blog would hold.I got on the train and went wherever I felt to. This project ended up being so much more of an epiphany about how I worry about life's uncertainties but, how much they've help me in my life. Right now Im nervous too , but this is our space and we are together here.

Comment a house emoji for the home you built in yourself!

Standing in the train station for extended periods of time, alone, really magnified feelings of control, or lack thereof. I'm not having to run anywhere to do anything ,not on a mission or on a frantic pace. Not necessarily coming or going .Thats where I am in my life right now. BeComing and going. I don't think it matters where Im going until it does. And it does make me uneasy sometimes, to be going and not know where . But here and now I feel good.

Even the in-between is somewhere to be.

Fear is not harmless. Fear of the future is a thief holding a lot of us in a tall cement tower with no doors. It's telling us how to be and what to do and we live in it to ensure safety so that we won't be in that same horrible situation that we were in before .When you are ready to start letting go of that safety tower, you realize you are ripping yourself raw of what you grew to learn .You are turning blurry lines into safe conversation. Yes, it feels vulnerable when you've never actually listened to people speaking without holding your phone in your hands, and while looking into their eyes . Yes, "I forgive you" is a foreign language to those who never even hear "I'm sorry" because they are the only one thats ever been sorry. And yes starting over is a slap in the face when you have been holding yourself down for so long and you don't even know that person is anymore. So fake.

And the whole time no one tells you that you will feel so empty , and confused .They only tell you to take one step at a time, but leave out that you have a blind fold over your eyes and there is some demons behind you trying to catch up .You are waaaaaaaaaaaay too full of experiences that walk with you pridefully and comfortably that now you don't have room to expose yourself to better experiences, the great experiences waiting for you that you deserve. But like the controller that we feed in ourselves, we try and force into our developing spaces and force feel what we want to bring into our future anyways . Don't rush the growth because it's not easy. There is so many different things in the world to adhere yourself to that you've never even seen before.Go check it out!

Are you going to be sad and broken relinquishing all your power to the traumas of your past or are you going to keep it pushing and move on, and walk this road of "godknowswhat"?

Trick question. You can do both. Cry, wipe your tears, then watch some funny cat videos!

Let go of that urge to control the future. Let go of trying to control what only the universe can know for certain to be true. I just want to affirm you that you are resilient and you are worthy of goodness because you exert positivity and strength, but it will be difficult. The way to find new treasure is by walking paths rarely ever seen, or by making your own and you are doing the right thing .

My life is up to me . Keep changing stations until Im ready. Keep changing stations until I got to the stop that Im ready to start a journey from. Keep changing stations until I'm okay.Thats what being alive is. Adapting and engaging are attributes of living organisms in a changing home or system. Thats how you live , point blank.

. The feeling of coming and going stays with me after leaving that train station .Im doing what I can do. I make space in the inbetween even if it's not here nor there because it's where I am, It's somewhere.

It's not about a home , that I envisioned always living in , it's about living, being , and thriving in that space between here and there because home follows.